Today I want to run away. All week actually. I have seen visions of just walking out the door getting in my car, and driving down the road. It has been a hard week.
Nothing in particular is wrong. Just life, with its stress and frustration times 5. A house in disarray. My soul with not one moment to recharge. It has been non-stop.
I feel guilty even writing this. I am so blessed. "Too blessed to be stressed!" I might get violent if someone said that to me right now. I know that there are circumstances that could make our lives even harder and more stressful. I know that I am just being a baby. I feel guilty for having so much yet wanting even more. I do not handle stress well.
These children are more important to me than my very life. Yet, in the moments of daily frenzy, when they are their imperfect little selves (we won't even get into me), we clash.
Children are often irrational. So are grown ups who have been dealing with irrational children all day. So we have our tugs and shouts and stand-offs.
It makes my heart hurt. My expectations for how this whole parenting thing was supposed to go were way off. Did you know children have their own wills? Did you know that they cling to these wills with gusto? Did you know that that makes me crazier than the craziest crazy person?
I am tired. I am beat. But I can't let them know that or they will team up and take me down.
And wouldn't you know it? On the night that I am so needy for peace so hungry for solitude, not one of those stinkers will go to sleep. They keep wandering downstairs to tattle or complain or have me come look for a spider they just know is in the bed.
I did look for the spider but I am not being very nice. I am actually behaving a little like a spoiled brat. I just want some time.
So for everyone who reads this blog, not everything is perfect on the Prairie. I have these days way more than I want to admit. Having kids is hard. It just is. Trying to figure out the right way to handle each situation, digging for patients when you have none left, putting aside your own need to think or sleep or go to the bathroom, it is all hard.
But these little people that God entrusted to me, they deserve better than my weakness. So I pray for strength and my husband prays for my strength and my mom and my best friend and my sister-in-law, they all pray for me...
Because I need it. I need that one area of my life to give up. I need Him to meet that need in me as I meet the needs of so many. I want to be perfect, I do. But it is not in me.
I pray they see His strength in my weakness. I pray my babies see my tired eyes and worn hands and know that behind them lies something greater.
I pray that when I sing Amazing Grace with them at night that those words speak truth to them. That no matter what we go through during the day, we will always end with that sweet sound. That there is nothing that can't be repaired with tears and sorrys, nothing that can't be undone with tender songs and hugs.
So I will go into them when they finally fall asleep and I will look at them and weep. I will touch the softness of their skin and kiss their sleeping eyes and say a prayer of thankfulness and I will ask for forgiveness for my haste and my anger. I will pray for a better tomorrow.
And He will forgive.
That's my KING.
Oh and P.S. To my Mama, I am so very sorry for any trauma I may have caused you at any point in my life. You may laugh now. :)